His thoughts
by kuntakintae
Summary: Joel's thoughts from the beginning to the end of the game. How did he feel? What were his thoughts? This is my opinion. I know it's not that good, but please R&R? Thanks!


**HI GUYS! This is the on-shot that i've been writing. I hope you'd enjoy this.**

**PLEASE READ HERE FIRST! I know that there are a lot of repeated words, and i'm really sorry. I'm actually a bit lazy to change every one of them. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you could just leave your thoughts in the reviews. I've spent lots of effort on this, and I'd really like some response. I appreciate the reviews, so if you fav or follow, please review? PLEASE?**

**Thanks for reading yea? I don't know how many people actually still come to this fanfic, but yea...anyway, I'm gonna go back to "Their story" now. :) ENJOY AND REVIEW PLEASE! ;D**

* * *

The very first words that went through his mind when he first saw her was _"Oh hell no!"_ Not very nice words to use to think about someone, but when you're in post-apocalyptic world, nice words don't matter.

When Marlene had said that she needed him to smuggle something, he had thought that it would be some kind of cargo. To be specific, _non-living cargo._ He never expected that he needed to smuggle some young, helpless fourteen-year-old girl out of the zone to the capitol building.

So when he found out that he had to smuggle a girl, he declined right off the bat. There was no fucking way that he was going to smuggle some girl over. It could case them both their lives. She would slow them down too much, and would more than likely cause them both to die.

Unfortunately, Tess kept on insisting that they do it, that they smuggle the girl. He knew that the merchandise was important and expensive, but he was willing to sacrifice that if it meant not smuggling the girl out. He couldn't bring himself to defy Tess, though, and gave in in the end, albeit reluctantly.

Then came the hard part- smuggling her to the meeting point first. The whole place was filled with military, making it hard for them to get through unnoticed. It was only thanks to his years of surviving and smuggling that they managed to even stay alive.

He was so tempted to leave her behind when they got to the meeting point, but the only reason why he did not was because of Tess. If he left, Tess would smuggle the girl alone, and would probably kill him when she gets back to the zone.

So he had decided to sleep off the time. He didn't even feel like looking at her, much less talk to her. So when she asked what she was supposed to do, he merely told her that she would figure out and went to sleep, not bothering to make a conversation at all.

Following that was their trip to outside the zone. Unluckily, just as they thought they had made it through, they got caught by the military. When this happened, it was then revealed that Ellie was infected. When they had finished off the military, he had been so, _so _close to pulling out his gun and shooting her in the head. It was only because of Tess that he didn't shoot.

Then came the argument about how much further they should go. Tess wanted to keep going, whereas he said that they shouldn't go.

"Do you know what's out there!?" He had shouted at them. But, despite his efforts, Tess could not be dissuaded. She just moved forward, and his hate for the girl increased when she had the nerve to actually glare at him. It was her that was causing them to walk out of the city into the danger! How dare she glare at him for wanting to be safe!

Fighting through a whole building that contained infected was not fun. He couldn't count how many times he had almost died just to keep the damn girl safe. He would have bolted long ago, but Tess was the only thing that was holding him back from doing so. The girl meant nothing but cargo to her. Tess was…a very close friend.

* * *

Hence, when he found out that she was infected, his heart broke again- what remained of his heart, at least. What's more, they had came all the way to the capitol building to find out that all the fucking fireflies had already got their asses kicked by the military.

When Tess told him to go without her, he immediately went against it. There was no way he was gonna leave her behind. But, deep down, he knew that he had to. And then Tess told him to escape with the girl, and bring her to the fireflies. Tess told him to make it easier for her, and let her do something useful as her final act. He tried to reason, but he knew that he could not.

So in the end, he told the girl to follow him, and they hurried away, leaving her to her impending doom.

After they had shut the door close behind them, the girl seemed to be so damn guilty, and so damn shocked that they had just abandoned Tess. She even swore because of it. At that moment, he got angry with her.

It was her fault that they were out on this stupid expedition. It was her fault that Tess was bitten and infected. It was her fault that Tess was going to die, if she hadn't already. Yet, she still dared to swear?

But he reeled his emotions in, not letting grief or anger show on his face. The only hint of anger he gave away was in his voice, when he commanded the girl to stop talking and follow him quietly.

He still had his doubts about the girl What if she was lying? What if the wound on her arm wasn't from the infected? That would mean that this whole journey so far had been nothing but rubbish. The very thought of that made him want to draw out his pistol and put a bullet through her head.

But, once again, he restrained himself. He would settle with her later about whether it was true or not. For now, they needed to escape the place alive.

It was then as he kept on stealthily killing the military, did he notice that the girl, no matter how vulgar or ill mannered she was, or how overly accustomed she was to seeing people die, still had some innocence in her. Every time he but a shiv into a guy's neck, or strangled someone, she would try to hide it, but he could see that she was disgusted, and guilty.

That made his hatred towards her lessen a little. She may be the cause of all this, but in the end, she was still just a kid. A very special kid, but a kid nonetheless.

* * *

After all that, came the first time they went to the sewers together. It was here that he found out that she was speaking the truth. Whilst hiding from two military guys in the spore-filled place, she breathed in enough spores to make dozens of other people go insane. That alone told him that she had not been lying. Because of that, his hatred lessened even more.

And it was in the sewers that he realized that, maybe the girl, Ellie, wasn't so bad after all. He still did not trust her to take care of herself, but she could be help from time to time. For obstacles that needed her to resolve, she helped without hesitation, and without mistakes.

Unfortunately, one thing she couldn't do was swim, and that more or less created all the obstacles in the first place. Hence, he thought nothing of her self-reliance.

When they got out of the sewers, she immediately apologized to him about Tess. He had concealed his pain with anger, and flared up at her. Only after doing so did he realize his mistakes, and his selfishness at the action. He had sat down and tried to calm his thoughts, telling her never to mention anything about Tess ever again, and telling her that everything he said, goes. At least she agreed to it, though he knew that she would most probably go against something he says in the future.

And so they continued their journey, without Tess, just the two of them. Their journey had been a quiet one, as well as an awkward one. Throughout the whole walk to where Bill stayed, he didn't say a single word to her as he was trying to sort out his thoughts and emotions. On the outside, he was a calm, cold black marketer, but on the inside, he was a little more than a dead man.

He knew that Tess had been a mistake. He knew that getting so close to someone would be his downfall, but he could not stop himself.

So when Tess had died, all his positive emotions- happiness, trust, kindness- died along with her.

Or so he thought. Little did he know, that the very girl trailing silently behind him would one day be even more important than Tess.

* * *

He wasn't too surprised when he heard Ellie say that she had never been into a jungle before. He had snorted mentally, thinking about how naïve and inexperienced the girl had been. But as they walked deeper into the woods, as he heard more and more soft gasps and slightly happy sighs, the more he thought about her circumstances, the more he started to understand why she was so amazed by everything.

What could he expect from a girl who had been born after the whole cordyceps thing has struck, from a girl who had never seen the world before the apocalypse? What could he expect from a girl who most probably knew nothing about how the world looked like outside the quarantine zone, when she had probably been living inside there all her life?

So when she gasped, once again, about the real fireflies, he decided to keep quiet. He didn't let the snort of exasperation he wanted to let out come out, nor did He let the urge to roll his eyes overcome him.

When they reached the city, they almost immediately encountered one of Bill's traps. He had expected Ellie to be disgusted yet again, especially when it was an explosion that literally blew up the whole infected's body.

Her reaction was…not quite what he had expected. Instead of feeling disgusted over it, she actually looked amazed and said that it was "So fucking cool" or something along those lines. He decided that she definitely was not just every other average kid her age.

Heck, what was he saying? She was nothing like every other kid her age.

* * *

Then came the stupid trap that made him hang upside down. So far, it was one of the most idiotic traps ever. Firstly, the trap only works on one body. Secondly, which kind of infected will try to bust through a door if nobody attracts it's attention?

He could have never escaped that trap alive if it wasn't for Ellie. She had been the one to cut the rope, and kept calm and didn't go into a total panic when the infected came. It was because of her self-control that had managed to get him down from that blasted trap. He never got to thank her for that.

* * *

He had to hand it to her, she had lots of fight in her. Even after meeting Bill's scary and violent nature, even after getting handcuffed, she had the nerve to whack Bill with a metal pipe. Not to mention all the snide remarks she was spouting out.

Though at that point of time, he was everything else but being impressed by her actions. He flared up at her, his dislike for her spiking up. He had told her to back off and stay quiet, and even roughly handled her. He was doing all that for her. Why can't she be at least a little more helpful by being fucking quiet?

It was only later that he realized that his hatred…was not so much like hatred anymore. It must have changed somewhere during their journey. Slowly, unnoticeably, but nevertheless, it changed. Maybe it was during the time when he had walked with her in the jungle. Maybe it was the time when they had to help each other to get past the sewers. Maybe it was the time when they went through the city to find Bill. Maybe it was the time when she had helped him to cut the rope.

He didn't know when, but he no longer hated her. Yes, maybe he disliked her. Hate her? Not anymore, as much as he hated to admit it.

* * *

He couldn't help but be impressed by her. She had held managed to take care of herself for the whole journey through the city. Even without a proper weapon, she tried her best to help. Whilst other kids would be screaming for their mommies, she was throwing bricks and bottles at the infected to slow them down.

The most surprising thing was that she even knew how to start up, and even drive a vehicle! Without her help, they would have never been able to start up the car, much less escape all the infected that was chasing them at that moment.

When Bill said that he wasn't going to make it, after they had left that part of the city and arrived at Bill's half, he silently agreed. But, when he turned around and saw Ellie, with her young, but yet wise eyes and determined expression, he began to question it.

He was starting to trust her. No, not trust...something like acknowledge her…yea…maybe that was the case.

Maybe, just maybe, they would get out of this whole ordeal alive after all.

* * *

He had almost laughed when he heard Ellie say that she had taken the comics from Bill. That was just so much like her, not following instructions. However, the thing that made him want to laugh the most was probably the idea of Bill going through his entire "house" to search for his precious belongings

When he heard her talk about the comic, he almost smiled. Almost. She had acted so much like her age, talking excitedly about the characters, the story, everything. He realized that it was the first time he had seen her act like her age.

And it pained him. For by doing so, she had reminded him of someone that he had tried to bury deep inside his heart for a long, long time. He had almost wanted to flare up and tell her to shut up, but restrained himself. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know. So he put his mind to focusing on the present, quietly listening to Ellie rant about how much she hated the words "to be continued" and stuff with amusement.

Then came the really awkward part. She had, unfortunately, gotten a comic about…how reproduction works for humans…and was saying stuff like "Woah, why is that thing stuck inside there!" that made him want to take the book and throw it out of the window. He tried to dissuade her from reading it, amused but somewhat panicked.

It was strange. Infected, hunters, military, and the thing that panicked him was seeing a girl reading something about…sex. What's more, her words made him even more panicky. For some reason, he did not want Ellie to start reading about sex.

Luckily, she had decided not to continue reading and threw the book out of the window. He had let out a very brief sigh of relief, and mentally berated himself for being so concerned about Ellie a.k.a cargo.

Unfortunately, he knew that his mindset of her was changing, and he knew that it wasn't good.

He was starting to see her as a person. That was _not _good.

* * *

Well, fuck, he knew that he should have turned the whole damn truck around. But _nooooooo_, he had to follow his "no time to waste" mind and take a different path, which he knew that they would have to face off with hunters.

When a hunter shot at them, his thoughts were "_Well, guess I had no luck."_ Not that he had expected to have any in the first place. He knew damn well that a city like that would certainly have hunters. He had wanted to try to smash through everything that got in the way. He didn't think that they would actually go so far as to use a big, humongous lorry to smash them,

When he had tried to get out of the car, some bloody hunter pulling him out and smashing his head into a glass pane, and it had fucking hurt. That hunter didn't stay alive for long though, after a quick smash to the skull.

The hunter who slapped Ellie though, went through a whole different ordeal. When he saw the hunter slap Ellie, he didn't know why, but rage erupted within him, causing him to rush forward and slam the guy, and then punching and slugging until the hunter's body went limp. It was a much slower, and much more painful death.

Why did he get so angry? He didn't know, but he feared it. Why had he felt so much anger course through him when he saw Ellie get slapped? Was he…starting to care for her? No, no. He wouldn't, he couldn't care for her. No fucking way.

* * *

He had been taken by surprise when the lift gave way and fell. But, what had taken him by surprise even more than that was the genuine worry he could hear from Ellie's voice. She even suggested that she came down for him.

Of course, he told her to stay up there. Her coming down would only cause him more trouble. He had an injured arm, but he had been through worse. He didn't need her to make even more trouble.

That's why, when she had saved him from being drowned by some hunter that had taken him by surprise, he got angry. Angry at himself for needing help, angry at her for not listening to him...and also angry at something that he couldn't put his finger on.

He hadn't thanked her for saving his life. Instead, because of all his anger, he lashed out at her, spouting things he didn't mean. She had gotten angry too, saying that he should be more thankful.

Only later did he somewhat show his gratitude. On the way out, he had taken the time to calm down and think over the whole incident. He knew that he was in the wrong. He knew, and he couldn't stop the guilt from taking over his mind.

So he had decided to make up by, for once, letting her handle a weapon, letting her help him. And also, by telling her that she was right- that it had been either the hunter or him. He was never good with giving out praises and gratitude.

To be frank, when he had went down and sneaked all around the place, fighting against the hunters, he had been more afraid of Ellie accidentally shooting his head off than the hunters managing to get him. But, as time went by on the field, he started to realize that Ellie hadn't been lying.

She actually shot very accurately. Out ten, only two missed. It was already damn good, and he started to move around easier, moving faster than before, being more concentrated on the task at hand instead of worrying about Ellie blasting his head off his shoulders.

After all that, Ellie asked him how she had done. Seeing the hopeful expression on her face, the very small, but still present pleading in her eyes for some kind of praise, he gave in. Not that there was much reason for him to fight it anyway. She had done excellently. He wondered where she had learned how to shoot a gun, but never bothered to ask.

But, as said earlier, he had never been good with praises. So, what he did was to give her a pistol, telling her that she should have "something more of your size". When he saw the corners of her lips twitch up very slightly, he felt relief, relief that she had gotten the hidden message behind that action. Either way, she had seemed happy.

The scary thing was, when he saw the corners of her lips twitch upwards, he had felt some kind of happiness too. And he knew that he was falling into the same trap he had fallen into about Tess.

He tried to push the feeling away, but it wouldn't detach itself from him.

* * *

He had been a slightly shocked to see people other than him hiding from the hunters. He had encountered people from time to time outside quarantine zones during his travels, but he had never encountered a duo that consisted of a kid.

Henry was fine. He looked out for his younger brother, Sam, a lot. He was a good man. Even if he had abandoned him, it was all because of Sam. Joel understood that kind of feeling, but who the feeling was directed to…was long gone.

Sam, however, could be said to be a liability. He didn't know how to fight. He was interested in child figurines.

But compared to Ellie, Ellie seemed way more mature and wise than Sam. And they were the same age. That just proved even further that Ellie was wise beyond her years, and over-matured.

Whilst Sam hid behind Henry, Ellie knew how to hold her own against things that came against her.

Still, when she had met Sam, he began to see some parts of her he had never seen before. A happier side, a side that was more childlike, more fun and easy-going. It was a vast difference from the usual wise, hardened and guild-ridden Ellie.

They got along really well. Way better than he did with her at the start, and even better than how he was getting along with her at that point of time. She seemed so happy with Sam.

They chitchatted about stuff that he could never have thought of. They conversed so well with each other, like they've known each other for years. They even started to be comfortable enough to play a game together. Even though it was a very short period of time, just one kick, it still showed how comfortable they were with each other.

Watching them, his heart ached, as memories of him as a child, before all the shit happened, before his parents left him, (**I'm making this up, :D)** before…everything. Not that he regretted having…

He had shaken his head and stopped his thoughts immediately, as they were heading in a direction that he never wanted to go ever again. It was too painful.

* * *

He knew it had been a mistake. He knew it. He knew that it had been a mistake to stick with them. He knew that something like that would happen eventually.

How could he be so damn _careless_ again? How could he allow himself to actually form a bond with another person once again, like Tess?

It had been a short period of time, but within that period, he had formed a bond of friendship with Henry. Of course, that was what made him feel the pain and despair once again when Henry killed himself.

Sam had been infected. But, of course, being the kid he was, he never had the guts to tell them about it. He kept mum and tried to hide it. That action almost caused Ellie her life. And him not knowing how to fight for himself caused both his and Henry's life.

In a way, he should be thankful for it, as it was a reminder to him that he could never allow himself to get close to anyone. That getting close to anyone in this world would be disastrous. It would only bring pain, loneliness, sadness, longing…everything that could get him killed.

And so once again, he hardened his heart, and reinforced the crumbling walls around it. He cleared his thoughts, buried his emotions, and forced himself out of his shock into the cold, hardened, merciless Joel that he was before everything that had happened.

He had wanted to leave the bodies behind, wanted to just continue his journey. Guilt had started to bite him, but the more came out, the more he buried it in. It was only because of Ellie's incessant pleas that got them to bury the bodies.

And then they set off, just the two of them, like how it was when they first started at the very beginning of the whole ordeal.

* * *

Over the next few months, things were pretty peaceful. Well, as peaceful as it can get. They only had around five encounters with the infected, and seven encounters with hunters. It had generally been quite a peaceful period of time.

He had been surprised to see a grave near the river. Hunters wouldn't care about children. That meant that there had been people who were not merciless and monsters that went through there.

As usual, Ellie had started to say something that he really disliked- about how Sam should have gotten a bigger grave, and that she had forgotten to put the stupid toy figurine on his grave for him. That made him snap at her.

As much as he tried, the thought of those two still hurt him. It seemed like no matter how much he tried, he would never be able to defend his heart against those kind of things- pain, sadness, even friendship.

Over the months, no matter how many layers of walls he built around his heart, Ellie had seemed to break them down one by one, until they were at a stage that they could be considered as "good friends." He had even started to share a little about his family. True, it was about their target, about Tommy, but it still was a sign that he was opening up to her.

He was still the one in charge. He was the one to lead, and he was the smuggler. But, that thinking seemed to have dissolved along the months they had spent overcoming challenges and life-and-death situations together. Now, they considered each other as someone they could rely on, someone that could keep the other's back safe. Companions, partners, friends.

That was not supposed to happen, and he knew it. But, he couldn't stop it. He didn't know why. This strange feeling in him…the affection that he had started to feel for her…he couldn't explain it.

One thing's for sure, that was not a good sign.

* * *

It seemed that their last encounter had not hindered their relationship in the least. When they saw each other, they first sized each other up, and gave each other a hug that should have been done a long, long time ago.

He never thought that Tommy would actually move out of his comfort zone to seek a new more comfortable place, hence he had been utterly surprised when he saw his brother-whom he had not seen for many years- walk out of the humongous metal gates.

There were so many people under him. It was almost as many as the hunters he had met at the city where he and Ellie were ambushed. There were even families!

He even got a wife! Who would have thought of getting a wife at that kind of time? He was impressed at Tommy. Tommy continued living. Even though the whole world was slowly decaying and dying, he still continued living.

Unlike him, who had chosen to survive instead of live.

* * *

A hydroelectric dam. Who would have thought of a place like this? It was so ingenious, he wondered why the military had not even came up with that kind of idea yet.

Then he remembered that the military was too caught up in their worry of losing control of the civilians to care about ways to get better lives.

He was astounded to actually see the lights, the fans…everything. He had never thought that he would ever see that kind of thing again. As he walked through the dam, he was astounded and amazed at how much they've done to it.

Even though it looked all pretty and new, he knew that it must have took a lot of hard and tedious work to clean the place up and start it up again. Well, Tommy had always been a hard-working guy.

They even bred horses! He also heard from Tommy that there were whole families living in the community. Wife, husband, children…a whole family. Joel suddenly felt a pang of longing, but quickly shoved it down and buried it again. He could not contain any self-sympathetic feelings. It was no use in this hard world.

Then came the hard part-persuading Tommy to bring Ellie to the Fireflies. It also meant that he would not be taking care of Ellie anymore. Of course, Tommy went against it without hesitation. They even had a serious argument about it.

And then came the attack from the bandits that lurk in the forests. It had caught them by surprise, and by the time they were out, a few of Tommy's men were already killed, while the others were still fighting. When he heard Maria say that there were bandits, and that she was trapped with Ellie, he was immediately worried.

Worried not about Maria, but about Ellie. He didn't know why he was so worried. On the outside, he was still the calm, meticulous Joel. But, on the inside, his emotions were in turmoil. He was trying to push away the worry that nagged him, but he couldn't. He felt angry at himself for it, and was frustrated as he didn't know why the fuck was he getting so worried for Ellie.

She was a good friend, yes, but the worry he felt for her was so intense, he couldn't say that it was a worry for a friend. He had that kind of worry before…but he just couldn't put his finger on it.

* * *

He wasn't happy. It wasn't because of the bandits. Nor was it because Maria was going against Tommy's decision to escort Ellie to the fireflies. It was because of the relief and happiness he felt when he saw Ellie unscathed. It was because of the reluctance and uncertainty he was feeling of giving Ellie to Tommy.

Why did he feel so happy to see her unscathed? Why was he so reluctance to actually let Ellie go, whilst a few months ago, he had wanted so much to throw her away?

He knew that it was his fault for getting attached to her. He knew it was his fault that they had formed a bond between them. If he had kept quiet, if he had not even conversed with her, he wouldn't be feeling such emotions.

So when Ellie asked him about what Tommy and Maria was arguing about, he kept mum and told her nothing about it. The truth was , he couldn't tell her.

He despised it, but the very thought of her leaving without him left a bitter taste in his mouth. He hated the fact that he was feeling unsure and unhappy. Most of all, he hated himself for even caring about Ellie's feelings.

* * *

He gave up. He gave in to the fact that he cared for Ellie. He gave in to the fact that she had become so close to him that he actually cared for her feelings, cared for her well-being. To others, that would be normal-to care for someone else. But, for him, caring for someone else meant that the person was really close to him.

He fought and slashed, hiding and shooting at every single bandit that came his way. He did not notice Tommy signaling to him about the enemy's movements, and neither did he care. He was so wrapped up in his emotions-anxiety, anger- that he did not even plan what he did. His only thought, as he sprinted towards the bandits and plowing through all of them with whatever he had, was Ellie.

Why did she have to run away? That idiot. Why did she have to make things so hard for him? Does she know that giving her away to Tommy was hurting him a lot already?

He did not show it, but it hurt. It hurt to let her go. It hurt to give her to Tommy. But he had to. He had to. He trusted Tommy more than he trusted himself. That's why he had to give her to Tommy. Tommy knew the safer routes, Tommy was younger and more lively, Tommy was friendlier and much more easy-going than he was.

Tommy was, in every way, better than him. That's why, for Ellie's sake, he had to give her to Tommy.

* * *

It was only when he talked to Ellie, at that abandoned mansion, did he find out why he had cared for her so much. Even more than Henry, even more than Tess…perhaps even more than Tommy.

When he heard Ellie talk about his daughter, the memories, the emotions that he had buried oh so long ago suddenly rose from their graves and consumed his entire being. The memories of Sarah, the feelings he had felt towards Sarah.

And it was when he said that she was not his daughter, and he was certainly not his father, that he realized the thing that he hadn't been able to pinpoint-the thing that made him so attached to Ellie.

He had begun to see Ellie as his daughter. Unknowingly, unbeknownst to him, his heart had started to see Ellie as another daughter, and had made him feel the emotions that he had once felt for Sarah twenty years ago. That scared him. It frightened him.

When that revelation hit him, that he had begun to see Ellie as his daughter, panic and fear had seized his heart entirely. Because at that moment, he realized that if Ellie were to die, he would die along with her.

He had failed. He had failed to do what he had tried to do so many times. He had failed several times, but this was the worst.

Tess was his first failure. Henry was his second. But these two can't even compare to his third failure. Ellie.

His bond with Tess and Henry had not been so strong that he would kill himself if they did it. But for Ellie, if she died…he was sure that he would kill himself.

But, when he heard that everyone she had cared for had left her or died, his heart reached out for her, and he felt happy. He felt happy, and then felt angry that he was happy. And then he felt frustrated at all his emotions.

He had been in the worst emotional turmoil he had in years, and did not know how to react. Luckily, he didn't need to try. For the first time, he was relieved that something had attacked them. It meant he had more time to deal with everything he was going through at that moment.

* * *

His heart ached, and he loathed the feeling. His heart ached when he saw Ellie ignore him. He had looked at her with longing, with sadness, and he was sure Tommy saw it too.

When they were riding back to Tommy's town, he pondered and contemplated over everything. Over Ellie, over their journey, over his feelings towards her.

He realized that whatever he had said-about trusting himself and stuff- it was all excuses. The truth was that he actually trusted no one else but himself to look after her. And by that time, he knew that he had already begun to see Ellie as his very own daughter.

He knew it would probably be his downfall, but he couldn't resist any longer. Ellie had, slowly but surely, made him live again. She was, by then, the very pillar he was supporting himself on. Before he had met Ellie, he had been a little more than a dead man, doing whatever it takes to survive without a reason to survive. He hadn't been living.

Living meant to do something for a reason. Living meant to have emotions and feelings. That was living.

Ellie had caused him to start living again. He had stopped living after Sarah died, but now, another daughter had come by and caused him to live again.

He knew that this time, if she died, he wouldn't even have the will to survive, much less live. He would kill himself. She meant too much to him. It was too late to turn back.

And so he decided to take her. When Tommy asked why, he gave an excuse about Tommy's wife scaring him. The truth was that he wanted to take Ellie. When Tommy asked whether he was sure, he had been skeptical. But, when he saw the poorly concealed happiness and gratefulness on Ellie's face when he helped her board his horse, his mind became set, and he told Tommy that he never goes back on his decision when he sets it.

And then Tommy said that the town would always have a place for him, and the feelings of gratefulness and anticipation filled his heart and mind. It had been a long time since he felt those feelings. He had nodded, and decided that after everything was over, they would definitely go back to Tommy's and he would live the life he had never thought he would be able to ever again.

And once again, they left, just the two of them. It seemed like they were fated to be a duo. As thrice they had more than two, but thrice they ended up with two.

* * *

He had enjoyed the journey to the Fireflies base. Ever since he had accepted the fact that Ellie was a daughter to him, their relationship had gotten way better.

He realized that the reason why he had never seemed to get along with Ellie was because he had always tried to reject her. Not that it had helped in any way. He ended up becoming close to her despite his efforts.

They talked about nothing and everything. Ellie had asked about how life was before the whole fungus-apocalypse thing happened, and he had described it to her as best as he can.

He pitied her, actually. She never had peace. She never knew peace. That was why he tried to describe to her. He wanted her to have at least an inkling about how life was like before the apocalypse.

They had gotten close. Not too close till he could reveal everything about his past, not close enough for him to reveal about his wife, but close enough for him to talk about Sarah without closing the subject straight away.

She had even stolen the picture of Sarah and him from Tommy. The picture itself brought him many memories…and even though his heart had ached, it was somewhat dulled with the presence of Ellie being there.

_"Soon,"_ He had thought. _"After this whole thing is over…there will be new memories to create."_

Immediately after that thought, he had felt guilty. Guilty that he actually felt happy. He shouldn't feel happy. It was as though he was replacing Sarah with Ellie.

Tommy's earlier words had resounded in his mind. "Sarah would want you to be happy." He had said. Even though the guilt was still there, when he remembered those words, the guilt lessened considerably.

He knew Sarah, and he knew Tommy was right about her wanting him to be happy. He had placed his hand above where his heart was beating strongly.

There would always be a special place in his heart that could only be filled by Sarah's presence. But, the rest of his heart, once shattered, was now getting repaired bit by bit, by the very girl he had been travelling with for the past few months.

He promised, silently, to the heavens, where he hoped Sarah ended up at, that he would enjoy life once again, that even though she was gone, he knew that she wanted him to be happy, and he would try his best to fulfill her wish.

* * *

He had been disappointed. Disappointed that the fireflies had abandoned the university. If they hadn't, him and Ellie would have already finished their business, and they would be on their way back to Tommy's, with him talking to her about guitars and music and teaching her how to swim.

Instead, they had to search the whole building to find out what had happened, and find out where the stupid, fucking fireflies had moved their headquarter to.

He had felt even more disappointed when they found out that the fireflies had moved all the way to the Salt Lake City. It wasn't even near where they were. He had cursed over and over again under his breath. Cursed the fireflies, cursed Marlene.

But, he didn't have a lot of time to wallow in his anger, for hunters had appeared and attacked them. He went and did the usual, killing whoever stood in their way. But, just one mistake was all it took, and the next thing he knew, he had a knife stuck just a little above his pelvis and had fallen three meters down.

He had been so injured; he couldn't even get up by himself. He had to rely heavily on Ellie to support him. He couldn't protect her; he couldn't do anything but be a liability. It was here where Ellie proved herself, and managed to kill the hunters and bring him out of there.

He had seen her desperate face, and desperately wanted to help. But he couldn't-he was too weak.

When Ellie had gotten him on the horse, he had tried to lead them to the nearest safe place he knew. But he couldn't last, and fell off when he had not reached yet.

He did not know what happened after that, but he had heard from Ellie that he was heavy as fuck, and Ellie had quite a hard time to look for a safe place.

Even years after that, he felt guilty about it.

* * *

The first thing he noticed when he woke up was that Ellie was not beside him. He had grown so used to her company over the past few months. It felt really…empty. Empty without her presence by his side.

He had immediately felt that something was wrong. The atmosphere somehow felt…different.

Then, when he went out, he soon found out why. There were hunters in the vicinity. Which meant that Ellie had probably encountered them. If she was nowhere in sight, it meant she was caught by them, or she was out hunting for food.

He really hoped the latter.

However, his hopes were dashed when he heard the hunters converse about them catching a girl and needing to find an old man, who was most probably him.

Anger wasn't enough to describe what he felt. He was enraged, infuriated. Incensed. That was the hunters downfall.

The monster that had disappeared after he met Ellie resurfaced once again, and he transformed from Joel, the smuggler, the Joel, the murderer. The killer. The torturer.

He had caught two of them, and stuck a knife in one of their knees. Violently, mercilessly, cruelly. He eventually got the information, but of course, he still made sure that they died a slow and excruciatingly painful death.

Then he had made his way to the town, where he heard that the occupants were cannibals. That made it a lot easier for him. It meant that the people down there did not deserve mercy. Hence, he killed anyone that stood in his way efficiently, quickly, and without pity.

When he saw Ellie, and what she had been doing, his entire being froze. She had been using a machete and smashing it into a man's skull over and over again. Her facial expression was one he would never want to see again.

She had looked like a cornered animal. A really frightened, really devastated, really shocked cornered animal. He had rushed in after a few seconds of shocked silence, and pulled her away.

Her reaction was not what he had expected. She had wildly fought against him, screaming and _begging_ for him to let go. Her tone was so…wild. So desperate. His heart broke a little when he saw her crying. It was the first time he had seen her cry, and it was scary.

And so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He turned her around and forced her to look at him, shouting that it was him, that it was not another of those blasted hunters, not another one of the people who wanted to eat and kill her. He was the one who wanted her safe, who wanted to protect her, who want to be happy with her.

And she cried into him, hinting that the very body below her wanted to rape her. He did what every other father would do- he wrapped his arms around her, embracing her, trapping her in his warm and kind embrace that was only reserved for her. He kept on repeating "baby girl, baby girl", telling and reminding her that she was with him. That she was safe.

And they went back, and stayed at the house for a few more weeks waiting for the winter to end before continuing their journey. It was within these few months that their relationship became stronger than ever. That he truly treated her like a daughter. He didn't know whether she realized it, but she too, was starting to treat him as a father.

It had been the best weeks of his life for twenty years.

* * *

Over the next few months, they met almost nothing. It was quite a change from their everyday lives. It seemed as though nature had decided to give them a very long break. They had only one encounter that was serious. But other than that, there weren't any encounters.

He had noticed that over the weeks, Ellie seemed to get quieter and quieter. She became less talkative, less fun, less happy. It also dampened his mood, but he continued trekking anyway, and trying to make her lively. Sometimes, he succeeded. Sometimes, he didn't.

Their time when they were in Salt Lake City was the worst. Ellie was so caught up in her own world, more than thrice, she didn't respond to his calls until he went up to her. She did everything with less vigor.

Then came the giraffes. She had been so amazed with the giraffes. She had never seen them before. And he couldn't help but smile when she saw her face brighten up considerably as she scratched the giraffe's neck. She looked like what she was before they had reached Salt Lake City- lively, happy, amused, excited.

She had then rushed up the stairs to see the whole view, and he had accompanied her. As she rested on the railings, watching the giraffes and taking in the beauty of the sight, he had contemplated over everything that has happened. He had rested on the railing beside her and made small chat, and then stared at his watch.

The watch was the only thing left to remind him of Sarah, other than the photo Ellie had given him. He had smiled, and had felt excited at what he would do with Ellie after he had sent her to the fireflies.

However, he could feel that Ellie wasn't really interested in all that. Or at least, she wasn't interested at that point of time. When she got over the sight of the giraffes, she went back to the serious, gloomy Ellie once again. He had suspicions as to why she acted like that, but he didn't voice it out.

Then came the part where she drowned. When he saw that she wasn't breathing, his heart had beat ten times faster. His mind had gone into a frenzy, and he had tears in his eyes. He couldn't let her die. Not after they had made it so far.

But, even before he could make her breathe again, some stupid fireflies came up and knocked him out. The last thing he felt was despair. Despair that he had failed; that all the things he had been looking forward to was not possible.

He had failed to protect once again.

* * *

When he had woken up, he was really surprised to see Marlene sitting by his bedside. But his surprise didn't stop him from questioning where Ellie was. When she told him that she was safe, he had felt immense relief. That meant that the life he wanted was still possible.

But that glimmer of hope was once again squashed when he heard Marlene say that to find the cure, they had to cut out Ellie's brain, which meant that Ellie had to die.

He had reacted violently, which had caused the other firefly in the room to knock him to the ground. At that moment, he had felt like killing that guard. He couldn't believe it. All that he had been fighting for, everything…was all for naught?

He realized that he had never cared about having a cure for humanity. He knew that humanity didn't deserve a cure, and even if it did, with the cure, there was no hope for humanity. Marlene didn't seem to believe in the same thing.

Hence, when he was escorted out, he thought over everything, and decided-he wasn't going to let it go to waste. He had killed the man, and had gone through the whole building, killing every firefly that opposed him.

This time though, he wasn't a monster. He was a father, fighting to safe his daughter's life.

* * *

He had not agreed when Marlene had said that she was suffering worse than him. He knew that for Marlene, Ellie was nothing more than a tool. If she really thought of Ellie as her daughter, she would at least let Ellie decide, and not just let her die without even asking for her permission. She did not value Ellie's life. Not as much as him. Hence, he knew that she was not suffering that badly. Her words were fake.

Not that he was much different. He was taking Ellie away without giving her a choice, but the reasons were vastly different. Whilst Marlene wants to take her life without her permission, he wanted to safe her life without permission.

Hence, when Marlene gave him the sign of peace, he knew that she was all fake. She never cared about Ellie's feelings, nor did she understand the pain he was going through. Maybe, once, she had felt the pain, losing her family. But now, she was different. She no longer knew how to treasure family. She was surviving, not living.

So he shot her, and placed Ellie into the car. He would never allow Ellie to die. Never.

When Marlene begged him, pleaded him to spare her, he knew it was all a faux. If he had turned his back, she would take the opportunity to shoot him, and then take Ellie back and kill her just to get a cure for a race which does not deserve saving, a race which didn't have the ability to co-exist even with its own race anymore.

And once again, he shot her, not in the side, but straight in the head this time. He ignored the guilt he felt. He ignored the weight pressing down on his shoulders about what he had just done.

To him, nothing would be able to stop him from saving Ellie's life.

* * *

He wasn't surprised when Ellie flared up at him. He did find out why she had been so quiet for the past few weeks, though.

Survivor's guilt. Something that he had to deal with in the past, but not anymore. He had long ago gotten over it. Now, he was about to teach her how to.

When he heard her, about her friend Riley, about Sam, he couldn't stop the guilt that erupted from his heart. However, he managed to control himself, and put on a façade of calmness, and told her that no matter what happens, she always finds something to fight for.

For him, that something was her.

And that was why, when she told him to swear that everything he had said about the fireflies were true,

He swore.


End file.
